Weekend funnies

[Drew Saunders]

Subject: Tommy Cooper Jokes


1. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

2. This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

3. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

4. I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy
said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it
is.'

5. I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something Herby They gave
me a Volkswagen with no driver.

6. I went to the local video shop and I said 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

7. Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china
in my hand.'

8. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

9. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I
said 'No, just a watch.'

10. I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

11. My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

12. I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels. He
said, 'You've got cholera.'

13. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

14. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put
it down.

15. I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.

16. The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

17. I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this
is for the custard.'

18. This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

19. I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having
me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything.'

20. I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

21. This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

22. I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull
goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

23. I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me
again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then
made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police
came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

24. I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

25. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

26. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

27. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays.'