Thought we could do with a good laught

[heather]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.


:D:D:D:D enjoy

[harding51]

That was wonderful - thanks for the memories! Hope you are doing well!

[heather]

Hi harding 51

we are fine
hope you are having a good day
God Bless

[Drew Saunders]

I was sent this joke via email a few weeks ago. I hope I'm not skating on thin ice with this one. Doubtless llianna will scold me is she feels it is one bad taste. Bearing in mind I have had PD for 8 years. OK hear goes :-

Bert and Jane live in an old folks home. They become good friends and eventually Bert persuades Jane to go back to his room with him and they have a "fumble" with each other (being of a certain age that is all they can manage). This goes on for months.
Then out of the blue Bert drops Jane like a hot potatoe and is seen with another lady called Liz who is spending her evenings with Bert in his room.
Jane is rightly put out about the situation and confronts Bert. Jane asks what Liz has got that she does not.
Bert replies...............Parkinson's!

Oh God I hope I have not offended anyone

[Margie]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.


:Denjoy

Oh Heather,

Your mom must have known my mom ;). It brought back such memories. I laughed so hard that my sides ached. BOY DID THAT FEEL GREAT! I'm still sitting here smiling like a chesire cat. Grinning from ear to ear. Thanks so much for taking the time to type all of it out for us. I'm going to save it and whenever I need a cheer me up, it is one of the things I will look at.

Keep 'em coming.

Margie ;)

[heather]

Hi Margie
so glad it cheered you up
my friend sent it me, so i copied and pasted it , hence no spelling mistakes , i have lot's so will post them over a few days

[heather]

I was sent this joke via email a few weeks ago. I hope I'm not skating on thin ice with this one. Doubtless llianna will scold me is she feels it is one bad taste. Bearing in mind I have had PD for 8 years. OK hear goes :-

Bert and Jane live in an old folks home. They become good friends and eventually Bert persuades Jane to go back to his room with him and they have a "fumble" with each other (being of a certain age that is all they can manage). This goes on for months.
Then out of the blue Bert drops Jane like a hot potatoe and is seen with another lady called Liz who is spending her evenings with Bert in his room.
Jane is rightly put out about the situation and confronts Bert. Jane asks what Liz has got that she does not.
Bert replies...............Parkinson's!

Oh God I hope I have not offended anyone

Hi Drew
hope you are well

if you/we can't laugh PD who can,I thought it was funny
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/bag1.gif

[Pauline]

Heather I loved it I am still laughing I am going to save it and show my daughter so she can have a good laugh to :):):)Pauline

[Pauline]

Thanks for the laugh I loved it :):):)Pauline

[heather]

Joke:Speed Trap
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

[heather]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
Mrs. Osward, please.."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Osward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,

a biopsy from another Mr. Osward arrived as well,

and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Osward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's

and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We! can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" Questioned Mrs. Osward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off

somewhere in the middle of town.........



If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[heather]

Jack decided to go skiing with his mate, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But, about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did.""And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."n

[susan wheatley]

hi heather, very funny i needed a good laugh had a bit of an up and down sort of day but that has cheered me up thanks.

[heather]

Hi Susan
glad you enjoyed
sorry to hear you haven't had a good day, hope you feel better tomorrow

[Drew Saunders]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
Mrs. Osward, please.."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Osward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,

a biopsy from another Mr. Osward arrived as well,

and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Osward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's

and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We! can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" Questioned Mrs. Osward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off

somewhere in the middle of town.........



If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Heather youv'e hit the spot again. Keep 'em coming,Drew

[Pauline]

Hi Heather I have had really bad day and it is 2:30 in the morning and l can't sleep looking for some thing to make me laugh and I can always count on you thank you keep them coming there great therapy Pauline

[heather]

Hi Pauline
so sorry you having a rough time
hope these will cheer you up
Broke Back Mountain Lady

>

> A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

>

> She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

>

> He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard together and the ranch was doing very well.

>

> Then one day, the rancher's widow said, "You have done a really good job,

> and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

> The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

> He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

>

> "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

>

> "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

>

> "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

>

> "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

>

> "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped the lacy black bra to the floor.

>

> Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

[heather]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin'

[heather]

could resist this one

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The six finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian.'

[heather]

Hope our Irish friends will not be offended by Irish jokes
please say as i don't post them with intent to upset

A tourist is on a motor tour of Ireland and he stops for a break at a
> pleasant old country pub in Kerry.
>
> While enjoying a leisurely pint of Guinness, he chats to the barman.
>
> As he's about to leave, he says, 'Nice talking to you, Mike.
> By the way, can you tell me the quickest way to Dublin ?'
>
> Mike asks him 'Are you walking or driving?'
>
> 'Driving,' replies the tourist.
>
> 'Ah, well,' says Mike, 'that's definitely the quickest way.'
>

[heather]

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[heather]

[QUOTE=heather;In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.[/QUOTE]



then god new he had left his best creation to last
and never created a another thing :D

[heather]

Last but not least for today

WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Da**t, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....










'Only when he's been drinking.'

[Margie]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin'

Heather,

You crack me up! The jokes are making me giggle and laugh out loud. The rest of the household is asleep and here I am at 3:50 AM relaxing because of your jokes. Don't stop.

Love ya,
Margie :)

[Pauline]

I love this corner I check it out every day just to have a good laugh:):):)Pauline

[heather]

Heather,

You crack me up! The jokes are making me giggle and laugh out loud. The rest of the household is asleep and here I am at 3:50 AM relaxing because of your jokes. Don't stop.

Love ya,
Margie :)
Hi Margie
your post's make me :) I can imagine you there ,when you trying to work something out on the computer head down and concentrating, then when you get it right,jump with joy,i'm so proud how you have progressed from someone who new nothing, to someone, who is showing /telling someone how to get around the board
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/lovemyputer-1.gif

[heather]

I love this corner I check it out every day just to have a good laugh:):):)Pauline


This reminded me of PD
watch it care fully
PD is the triangle

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/b5c3735c.gif

[Juanita Mullin]

This is a true story about Rhoda and Henry. It happened some years ago. Rhoda and Henry immigrated to the States . They brought their love of wild mushrooms with them. They went to the foothills and gathered all they could find. When they got home they realized that the two of them could never use all of them so they invited a half dozen friends for a "mushroom dinner." They had mushroom crepes, mushroom omelets, mushroom souffles and they ate until they could not possibly eat anymore. They gave the leftovers to the cat. Near midnight the guests were getting ready to leave and there came a scream from the kitchen. "The cat!" The guests all rushed in to see what was the matter. There on the floor was the cat, thrashing, kicking, crying looking like she was having a grand mal seizure. Henry called the doctor. The doctor said "it is nothing to mess around with" and to meet him at the emergency room in 15 minutes.
They all rushed to the hospital. Soon 8 people were on eight tables side by side by side having their stomachs pumped. One of them was heard to say "I hope I never ever see another mushroom as long as I live."
They went back to Henry's to get purses and coats and thanked their hostess. Someone remembered the cat and so they went to check. There she lay quietly, tired, with 8 baby kittens !

[heather]

Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new
ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my
new shoes. - Mickey

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of
everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our
family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when
You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD: I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will
tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -
Lucy

Dear GOD: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was
it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in
church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD: What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought
You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto
you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -
Darla

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for
was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD: It rained for our whole vacation and is my father
mad! He said some things about You that people are not
supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your
friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD: Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was
supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD: If we come back as something else, please don't let
me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD: If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You
anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but
not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD: You don't have to worry about me. I always look both
ways. - Dean

Dear GOD: I think the stapler is one of your greatest
inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD: I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying
- Elliott

Dear GOD: Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and
David the best.- Rob

Dear GOD: My brother told me about being born but it doesn't
sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD: I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the
Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday
school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. -
Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on
dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You.
That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD: I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I
just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You
are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw
the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene

[heather]

This is a true story about Rhoda and Henry. It happened some years ago. Rhoda and Henry immigrated to the States . They brought their love of wild mushrooms with them. They went to the foothills and gathered all they could find. When they got home they realized that the two of them could never use all of them so they invited a half dozen friends for a "mushroom dinner." They had mushroom crepes, mushroom omelets, mushroom souffles and they ate until they could not possibly eat anymore. They gave the leftovers to the cat. Near midnight the guests were getting ready to leave and there came a scream from the kitchen. "The cat!" The guests all rushed in to see what was the matter. There on the floor was the cat, thrashing, kicking, crying looking like she was having a grand mal seizure. Henry called the doctor. The doctor said "it is nothing to mess around with" and to meet him at the emergency room in 15 minutes.
They all rushed to the hospital. Soon 8 people were on eight tables side by side by side having their stomachs pumped. One of them was heard to say "I hope I never ever see another mushroom as long as I live."
They went back to Henry's to get purses and coats and thanked their hostess. Someone remembered the cat and so they went to check. There she lay quietly, tired, with 8 baby kittens !

I like that one

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/haha1.gif

[heather]

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing
there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes
and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell
rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there
again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped
him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the
doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was
there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times
before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to
the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the
man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot
cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said... "Yes, there's a
nasty bug going around." DOH!

[Margie]

Hi Margie
your post's make me :) I can imagine you there ,when you trying to work something out on the computer head down and concentrating, then when you get it right,jump with joy,i'm so proud how you have progressed from someone who new nothing, to someone, who is showing /telling someone how to get around the board
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/lovemyputer-1.gif

Dear Heather,

I do love my computer because my friends are "in it".

I have learned a lot about the computer since I joined Coach ;). How are you and Jim? Hopefully you are having some nice sunshine and both of you can sit in your garden earlier in the day and just take it all in.

I love the personnel picture you sent me. The image you have of me sitting at my computer is right on target. Do you have extended vision into my computer room? I do jump for joy too! You are very perceptive. Being on the Forum is becoming an addiction, a joy, and easier to get around. God bless you and Lianna for starting it all.

Actually finding Posts/Quotes that were sent to me back when I didn't know how to get to them.

Say hello to Jim from Tony and me...and a great big hug to you :D.

Talk with you soon.

Love,
Margie :)

[Juanita Mullin]

Heather, I like your pictures!

[heather]

Heather, I like your pictures!

Hi Juanita
So glad you can see them

Thanks, just think it brightens things up

[heather]

Dear God,

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

[heather]

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,


If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,


If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,


If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,


If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,


If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,


through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,


If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,


If you can face the world without lies and deceit,


If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,


If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


If you can do all these things,


Then you are probably the family dog.

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/edd6ba72.gif

[heather]

Dear Heather,

I do love my computer because my friends are "in it".

I have learned a lot about the computer since I joined Coach ;). How are you and Jim? Hopefully you are having some nice sunshine and both of you can sit in your garden earlier in the day and just take it all in.

I love the personnel picture you sent me. The image you have of me sitting at my computer is right on target. Do you have extended vision into my computer room? I do jump for joy too! You are very perceptive. Being on the Forum is becoming an addiction, a joy, and easier to get around. God bless you and Lianna for starting it all.

Actually finding Posts/Quotes that were sent to me back when I didn't know how to get to them.

Say hello to Jim from Tony and me...and a great big hug to you :D.

Talk with you soon.

Love,
Margie :)

Hi Margie

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/4959cf7b.gif

I had nothing at all to do with starting the forum, all i have tried to do is say thank you Lianna ,and make it place where everyone wants to visit
I love helping people,and get so pleasure out of the forum.

I don't have extended vision into your computer
i just remember how i was when i was learning/and still learning ,you sound just like i did :D:D

Jim doesn't get to sit out much at the moment ,I work till1pm 3 days a week ,and it's very hot when i get home
hope you are looking after yourself, as i no Tony is well looked after

[Pauline]

Thought this was kind of cute
Isn't it a bit unnerving that Doctor call what they do practice
here is another

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
:):):)Pauline

[Margie]

Thought this was kind of cute
Isn't it a bit unnerving that Doctor call what they do practice
here is another

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
:):):)Pauline

Hi Pauline,

Way to go!

Here I am sitting with a smile on my face because I just finished reading the two above. Oops, it turning into chuckles.

Pauline, I've been off the Forum for a time. Haven't been able to concentrate. Tony had a bad fall. Thank God he was not hurt. The fall just scared the h*** out of the three of us.

It's so good to be back with everyone.

Love,
Margie

[heather]

Margie
hope you don't mind me asking, what part of the world are you from, i'm trying to work out, what time we are all on UK time

I Need to work out the time in Canada

[grldnklly]

Hi,
Just thought I would share a story with you instead of my usual griping! My father and I just came in from walking the dog the other morning and I had finished preparing his lunch and leaving everything ready for the day. As some how or other I had saved some time, I decided to have a cup of coffee before setting off to work. Just as I went to sit down with the coffee I discovered the dog was missing. So I searched the bungalow and the gardens, no sign of him. I went into the street and called his name, still no sign of him. I walked round the neighbourhood, still couldn't find him. I was getting more and more anxious as I time was passing. He is a minature schnauzer and they are quite popular and can be expensive. I was convinced someone had lifted him. My next door neighbour came out and she promised that she would take the long way round to work and look for him too. I was getting really worried as a half an hour had passed. I decided that I would have one more look around the house and if he didn't appear I would phone the dog warden, the police etc. This time I decided to have a look in the garage - you have guessed - the dog was there all along. I had gone to the freezer in the garage earlier to get chicken out to defrost for the dinner, he must have followed me in. I don't even have the excuse of having parkinsons! I tell you I had a red face when my neighbour called that night to see if the dog had turned up!

[heather]

Hi,
Just thought I would share a story with you instead of my usual griping! My father and I just came in from walking the dog the other morning and I had finished preparing his lunch and leaving everything ready for the day. As some how or other I had saved some time, I decided to have a cup of coffee before setting off to work. Just as I went to sit down with the coffee I discovered the dog was missing. So I searched the bungalow and the gardens, no sign of him. I went into the street and called his name, still no sign of him. I walked round the neighbourhood, still couldn't find him. I was getting more and more anxious as I time was passing. He is a minature schnauzer and they are quite popular and can be expensive. I was convinced someone had lifted him. My next door neighbour came out and she promised that she would take the long way round to work and look for him too. I was getting really worried as a half an hour had passed. I decided that I would have one more look around the house and if he didn't appear I would phone the dog warden, the police etc. This time I decided to have a look in the garage - you have guessed - the dog was there all along. I had gone to the freezer in the garage earlier to get chicken out to defrost for the dinner, he must have followed me in. I don't even have the excuse of having parkinsons! I tell you I had a red face when my neighbour called that night to see if the dog had turned up!


http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/heeimage5.gif

I once locked my cat overnight in the greenhouse
but i can put it down to old age
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sayings3.gif

[heather]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING
SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE WIVES ABOUT LIFTING
THE TOILET SEAT, USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF
AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON
YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T
MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. (works for babysitting too...)

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,
YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[heather]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone

You need to read the Last Part of these stories !!

A Blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said '2-4 years!'

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!
Didn't check box for Avon order.....

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of

Water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,

The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....

Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel .

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour

Per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven'


Button on the stupid phone!!!





THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went..

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)





'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[heather]

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic
could respond to a call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently and very quietly, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, baby Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
The baby began to cry. The paramedic then thanked little Kathleen for her help and asked the now wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just seen ,
Kathleen was quiet for a moment, then said, ' well, he shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... id smack his Bum again!'

[Margie]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone

You need to read the Last Part of these stories !!

A Blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said '2-4 years!'

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!
Didn't check box for Avon order.....

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of

Water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,

The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....

Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel .

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour

Per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven'


Button on the stupid phone!!!





THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went..

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)





'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'



Hi there Heather!

This one really tickled my funny bone.

I so enjoy your jokes and quips.

Thanks for them - very muc.

Hope Jim has a good day. You, dear friend, are one grand lady.

Margie :)

[heather]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/hellocandle.gif Margie

we are much better hear thanks, creeping up the ladder again

It is my pleasure to make you smile

I just hope no blonds on hear take offence

[Diane]

That was truly full of good laughs, one after the other. I forwarded it to my blonde daughter. I'll let you know if she takes offense. :)

Diane

[heather]

Thanks Diane
if she does tell her to
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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[Pauline]

That looks just like me looking at the scale lolo:D:D:DPauline

[karen_kissane]

Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was
all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the Human
race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[heather]

Hi Karen
hope you are well
:D:D:D

[heather]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve .

And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? '
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.

'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve ..we have forbidden fruit ! '

' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.

'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.

'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve .
'She started it ! '
Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

[heather]

Employee Reviews
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to
change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the
better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for
it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered
twice a week.
26. He's so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get
change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.

[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[Pauline]

Ididn't think any one could get me to smile or laugh today but Heather did it thank you Pauline

[heather]

hello my friend
so so glad i made you smile, give me some time to eat, and i will post some more, I love Maxine so have loads of them,
you had better go to the LOU first though :):):):)

[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[heather]

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[Pauline]

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in to court room ?
A: Odour in the court

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

[Pauline]

A Senior Citizen
I a"m a senior citizen:
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8PM

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usuallly interested in going home before I get there.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom where ever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories... over and over and over

I'm aware that other peoples grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for:long-term care eye care , private care,

I'm not grouchy, I just don"t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet..

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place..

I'm wrinkled,saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg..

I'm realizing that ageing isn't for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less..

I'm sure there making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the * initial* state of golden years: SS, CD's,IRA AARP.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel,how good at 150?

I'm anti-everything now anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise anti-inflammatory.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the store room,

I'm a senior citizen and I think I am having the time of my life Aren't I ?


I hope I haven't offended any one it's all in fun Pauline:):):) [/B][/SIZE][/B]

[heather]

Hi Pauline
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Thank you

[Pauline]

Hi Pauline
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/mixedhaahaaquackmeup17.gif

Thank you

thank you I am in a awful mood today and it even gave me a smile:(Pauline

[heather]

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have mine."
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
__________

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That's not only in Africa son."
__________
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, but by then, it was too late."
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
__________
"A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

[heather]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y' know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and got completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you fa***d yet?'
'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Perth.'

[heather]

Questions you just can't answer.....





Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[heather]

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains ?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges ?

What happens if you get "scared half to death" twice ?

If bankers could count how come there are 8 windows and only 4 tellers ?

Would a fly without wings be called a "walk" ?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread ?

If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit ?

Why can't I set my laser printer on "stun" ?

If the number 2 pencil is so popular why is it still number two ?

Why do they call them hemorrhoids instead of "asteroids"?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink ?

Why do psychics have to ask your name ?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn ?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets ?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keyboard of the drive-in ATM ?

Why is the alphabet in that order, is it because of that song ?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move ten miles away ?

If you write a book about failure and it doesn't sell , is it a success ?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays ?

How do they get the deer to cross at theyellow signs ?

If white wine goes with fish , do white grapes go with sushi ?

If love is blind why is lingerie so popular ?

If you're born again , do you have two belly buttons ?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it ?

How is it possible to have a civil war ?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too ? Thanks to: dyancu

How happy are larks, really?

Why do they say "near-miss", when referring to no collision?
If it's a near-miss, didn't they hit?

[heather]

Whose cruel idea was it to spell the word "lisp" with an "s"

Why do you drive on a Parkway and park on a Drive way?
Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

If "Con is the opposite of "Pro" is " Congress " the opposite of" Progress"
Why is it called 7-11 if it's open 24 hours

If convenient stores are open 24 hours, why is there locks on the doors?
Why do they call it Minute Rice when it takes 10 minutes to boil?
If olive oil is made out of olives, what is baby oil made of?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do drive up ATM's have Braille on them?

If a pig loses it voice is it "disgruntled"?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a hamhock?

If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices everyday how come nothing is free yet?

How can there be self help groups?

Why aren't there any grapes or nuts in grape-nuts?

Can a storm be designated a tornado without touching down in a trailer park?

May I refuse to inherit the earth?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

How do you get off a non stop flight?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

What's the speed of dark?

How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space why do they keep abducting the dumbest people?

If we're not supposed to eat late night snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?

Why is it when we ship something by truck we call it a shipment, but if we send something by ship it's called a cargo?

Why doesn't your body slam up against the back of a plane when you jump up?

If babies are so cute when they're born, how come half of them grow up to be ugly old men?

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick?"

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

Is it really an optical illusion, or does it just look that way?

Can a person without eyebrows show surprise?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed ?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery" ?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin ?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word ?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips ?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour ?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?


If it's zero degrees outside today and it's suppose to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

You know most packages say "open here". But, what should you do if the package says " open somewhere else?"

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and cats always land feet first, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat ?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way

Why is there an eject button on the remote control ( u still gotta get up n take the tape out )

Why is it rain drops but snow falls?

If you have a bunch of "odds and ends" and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend ?


Why does Hawaii have interstate highways
Why is it called a "T.V.set". and you only get one?

[Pauline]

Recently my girl friend Karen got a job ,at a local hardware store .The owners don't want us to hanging out with our friends ,she said if you stop by tell them your my brother .
On my first visit I walked to the costumer service desk and asked the older woman there if Karen was around when she looked quizzically I added I'm her brother , She smiled what a nice surprise I'm her mother :D:D:DPauline

[Pauline]

Q What did the sea say to the iceburg
A nothing it just waved

Q= Where do penquin go to dance
A= At the snow ball

Q= Why do penquins cross the road
A= To go with the flo

Q= What do penquin eat for lunch
A= Ice-burgers

Q= How do Penquin drink
A= out of beak-ers

Q= What is a Penquins favorite salad
A= Ice burge lettuce

Q=Who's the Penquins favorite aunt
A= Aunt-artica

Q =Who the head of the Penquin navy
A=Admirial byrd

Q= How does a Penquin make pancakes
A= With it's flippers

Q= What do you get when you cross a penquin with a alligator
A=I don't know just don't try to fix it's bow tie

Q= Why are Penquins good race car drivers
A= Because there always in the pole position

Q= What do Penquins sing when there father brings home fish
A= Freeze he's a jolly good fellow :D:D:DPauline

[Margie]

Recently my girl friend Karen got a job ,at a local hardware store .The owners don't want us to hanging out with our friends ,she said if you stop by tell them your my brother .
On my first visit I walked to the costumer service desk and asked the older woman there if Karen was around when she looked quizzically I added I'm her brother , She smiled what a nice surprise I'm her mother :D:D:DPauline

Good One Pauline! So good, I'm going to borrow it and use it on my Family. I giggled when I first read it and now I'm grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Your joke tickled my funny bone and it felt so good to SMILE...and you are responsible.

Love,
Margie :)

[heather]

:D:D:D:D:D
good one Pauline
thank you

[heather]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
The blonde driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does a driver's license look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The blonde driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed
it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying
'Okay, you can . I didn't realize you were a cop.'

[heather]

TheScotsman
>
>
> One day a Scotsman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
> years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
> not a ship." And, as the speck t closer and closer, he began to rule out
> the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
>
>
> Suddenly there em erged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
> Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
> drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned
> Scotsman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
> cigarette?"
>
>
> "Ten years," replied the amazed Scotsman. With that, she reached over and
> unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and
> pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a
> long drag. "Aye,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how
> great a smoke can be!"
>
>
> "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch whiskey"
> asked the blonde
>
>
> Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde
> reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask
> and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar
> of the gods!" stated the Scotsman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
>
>
> At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
> her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
> asked , "And how long has it been since you played around?"
>
>
> With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed;,
>
>
> "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've t golf clubs in there too!"
>

[heather]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

[heather]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a141/diawlbach/1139944582.gif

[heather]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a141/diawlbach/image0066.jpg

[heather]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a141/diawlbach/image0011.jpg

[heather]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a141/diawlbach/DadsMoney1.jpg

[heather]

IF THE PRICE OF PETROL GETS MUCH HIGHER
I MAY HAVE TO INVEST IN ONE OF THESE

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/mixedbikeimage0011.gif
for the younger energetic

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/mixedbikeimage0099.gif

[Pauline]

IF THE PRICE OF PETROL GETS MUCH HIGHER
I MAY HAVE TO INVEST IN ONE OF THESE

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/mixedbikeimage0011.gif
for the younger energetic

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/mixedbikeimage0099.gif

The first one is more my style :D:D:D:D Pauline

[susan wheatley]

hi heather, where do you get all the jokes from they are very good.

[Pauline]

Church service
On Sunday morning the priest saw little Davey staring up at a large plaque that hung in the churches foyer. the plaque was covered in names and small flags where on either side of it.
Father Donovan what is this?
Well son it is a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service, "the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey quietly asked " which service the (9 o'clock or 10:30 ?

[heather]

Church service
On Sunday morning the priest saw little Davey staring up at a large plaque that hung in the churches foyer. the plaque was covered in names and small flags where on either side of it.
Father Donovan what is this?
Well son it is a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service, "the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey quietly asked " which service the (9 o'clock or 10:30 ?
Now that one is a Gem :):)

[heather]

hi heather, where do you get all the jokes from they are very good.

Hi Susan
some i have sent [ e-mail] can't always post them though :D
others i Ask Jeeves or goggle
just ask "Jokes and funny stores"

[heather]

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale ."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's such a bullsh****r ... He never did any of that cr*p. He was in the Navy!"




Most people walk in and out of you life. But only friends will leave footprints in your heart.

[Pauline]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde beings to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter. Sees her and unplugs the horse.:D:DPauline

[heather]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde beings to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter. Sees her and unplugs the horse.:D:DPauline

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/46924dde.gif

[Pauline]

On a fine sunny day a ship was in the harbor. All of a sudden the ship began to sink. There was no storm and nothing wrong with the ship yet it sank right in front of the spectators eyes.
What caused the ship to sink?

Answer

The "Submarine" Captain ordered the crew to dive.

[Diane]

Pauline, I think I see a pattern in the jokes you pass on! Heather, I love the talking dog story. I hope both of you will keep them coming. A belly laugh is a great pick-me-up!
Diane

[heather]

Hi Diane
I love a good laugh
some of the jokes i get i can't poston hear,i have lovely ones
but they are flash and attachments with no links :(

[heather]

Should I get a Dog ....?

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/dogunknown1.jpg

...or have children?�

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/dogunknown2.jpg

[grldnklly]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,
"What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[heather]

Hi grldnklly
I like it :D:D:D

thank you for sharing

[heather]

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch wit h only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

[heather]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

The gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's sh**e n p**h.'

The man replies, 'My good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'

The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

[heather]

Diet for stressed women. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:

'Stressed' spelled backwards is desserts'

Here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started:

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Chardonay, a bottle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha,

a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!

[heather]

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'
> The pharmacist answers 'Yes'.

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
> Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
>
> Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
> Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
>
> Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?'
> Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
>
> Jacob:' Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?'
> Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety..... the works!'
>
> Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?'
> Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
>
> Jacob:' You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
> Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?'
>
> Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop.'


>

[vickynunez]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.


:D:D:D:D enjoy

Cute...I remember thoughs days!!!

[heather]

Exercise Routine

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



SCROLL DOWN.............




































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.




And for those of you who are not yet 40, don't worry, your turn will come!

[heather]

Two sisters from Wicklow, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the mart in a far off town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have €600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the mart, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for €599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the post office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4X4 and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her and then says, 'its 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has €1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4X4 truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's very big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

[heather]

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.'


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[heather]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.



She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.



One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.



After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. ;She said, 'That was incredible!'



He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.



After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.



He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'



'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!

[heather]

Oh! How true!!!!!



MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

[heather]

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!'

:D

[Drew Saunders]

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch wit h only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

10 out of 10 Heather. Absolutely superb.
Hope you and Jim are ok
God Bless

[Drew Saunders]

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!'

:D

Ovay! He wishes!
I get tired just thinking about it!

[Drew Saunders]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.



She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.



One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.



After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. ;She said, 'That was incredible!'



He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.



After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.



He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'



'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!


Speaking about Liverpool a recent survey said that 84% of people from Liverpool had sex when they had a shower.
The other 16% had never been to prison!

[Margie]

Diet for stressed women. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:

'Stressed' spelled backwards is desserts'

Here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started:

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Chardonay, a bottle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha,

a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!

Hi Heather,

Yu haaf no idr who gud I fel!..after reading all your jokes today. Needed them much! http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn88/Bronx628Margie/laughter.gif Love, Margie

[Margie]

Should I get a Dog ....?

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/dogunknown1.jpg

...or have children?�

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a126/maesisaf/sit%20pictures%20not%20used/dogunknown2.jpg

GET BOTH...AND HAVE DOUBLE THE FUN AND/OR WORK!
Margie:)

[Drew Saunders]

Diet for stressed women. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:

'Stressed' spelled backwards is desserts'

Here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started:

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Chardonay, a bottle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha,

a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!

Absolute classic. I laf so I neely wet mesef!

[heather]

A blonde is at home trying to put a puzzle together but she
finds that the pieces don't fit. She calls her husband at work
and expresses her frustration, he says that when he comes home
he will help her. A few hours later he comes home and looks at
his wife, and says..........honey, put the cornflakes back
in the box.

[heather]

At a catholic gathering, Mother Superior stacked a pile of
apples on one end of a table with a sign saying:

"Take only one apple please - God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies where a
student had placed a sign saying:

"Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."

[heather]

was reading through a TIME magazine recently and saw a study
on the amount of estrogen levels in beer.

They gave a whole bunch of beer to a whole bunch of guys and
after these guys had consumed all this beer they found that all
of them gained womanly qualities.

They all gained weight, couldn't drive, and talked incessantly
without making any sense!

[heather]

(Q) Why do teachers wear dark glasses?

(A) Because their pupils are so bright.

[heather]

An old man and his wife were going to the docter because the old
man had to get a checkup. When they got to the doctor's office
the doctor said to the old man "I need your urine
sample". "What...What.." replied the old man. "He needs your
underwear" said the old man's wife.

[heather]

this guy walks into a bar and orders a shot.the bartender gives
it to him.the guy pays for it gulps it down. he orders a second
pays for it gulps it down and this time looks into his
pocket.after about the seventh drink he looks into his pocket
gets up and leaves. well the bartender being curious asks him
why he kept looking in his pocket.the guy says i got a picture
of my dear old wife in there, when she starts looking good i
know its time to go home.

[heather]

Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they
lived near a bay they'd be bagels!

[heather]

A blonde a brunette and a redhead were in a swim race, and
for the final lap they had to do the breast-stroke. The brunette
came in first, the redhead in second, and the blonde didn't
finish. At the end all the reporters asked, "How come you never
finished the race?" Then the blonde said, "Well I don't know
about everyone else, but it looked to me like those girls were
using their arms".

[heather]

Parents: Be nice to your children, they choose your nursing
home.


once there were two blondes in a car, and they were going to
disneyland.

when they were close, they came to a sign that said:

disneyland ----------------- left



so they went home.

[heather]

This blond walks into a bar and sits down. A brunette comes in
and sits down beside her.

The 2 of them are watching the 5:00 news and there is a man
who is going to jump off a bridge to his doom.

The brunette bets the blonde 20 dollars that he'll jump.
The blond says "ok I bet he won't".

Well about 30 minutes later he jumps and dies.

So the blond says "ok you win I will give you 20 dollars".

The brunette says "I can't take your money, I watched the 1:00 news
and he did the same thing".

The blond then replies "yeah I did too, but I didn't think he'd
be stupid enough to jump again".

[heather]

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came
upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be
deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can
tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse
tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit
them.

[heather]

There were 2 old ladies at church. One old lady said, "my
butt's asleep." The other old lady said, "yeah, I know,
I heard it snore 3 times. "

[heather]

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch wit h only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[heather]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

[heather]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

The gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo o' coo's sh**e n pish.'

The man replies, 'My good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.'

The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

[heather]

. Diet for stressed women. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:

'Stressed' spelled backwards is desserts'

Here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started:

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Chardonay, a bottle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha,

a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!

[heather]

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'
> The pharmacist answers 'Yes'.

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
> Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
>
> Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
> Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
>
> Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?'
> Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
>
> Jacob:' Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?'
> Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety..... the works!'
>
> Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills,
> Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
>
> Jacob:' You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
> Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?'
>
> Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop.'

[heather]

SHIPWRECKED:

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had s*x for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'OH YES!! - Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'